PottEr’z MaGicLand

Exams in two more weeks. Not prepared at all. When I say not at all, it’s NOT AT ALL.  In the current situation I’m in, all I want is some sort of confidence from others. I expect this kind of support ONLY from my significant other. Never can anyone else provide me that.

Falko made sure I never fall. And yes I didn’t - mainly cuz of the support he gave me. I was thinking I can stand strong alone. Now the music is starting to sink into my head.

For certain situations I do need a person by my side. And I only want MY significant other to be the one. For me to lean against him and for him to guide me through the dark clouds.

Call me a weak dependant girl. Because at times yes I am.

Daphne doesn’t deserve swearing.

Daphne hates Rocky for doing so to her.

Daphne is disappointed NOW because they were suppose to be friends.

And friends don’t swear to each other.

p/s the year has just started and here i am with a crappy post

Last weekend was a very important one for me. Both my worlds were about to collide and i wished there wont be any ignition. Thank god, god loves me so much and none of my karma worked against me and everything went on well. Thivy and Deepika mingled well with Family. Family was happy I have good friends. In conclusion I’m happy that none of my fears came true. For once. Many relatives, no drama, no tears, no regrets and lotsa food. They knew very well how to make me feel super special. I never knew Amma and Appa would spend this much just for the simple stuff. And my uncles are gems. Especially Cycle Mama ( that’s how we call him).

My Horcruxes again proved to me that they’re indeed big part of my soul. No them no me. No them no life. =)

I took the bus on Sunday with a heart as heavy as myself. Heavier actually. The moment I reached Semeling, I felt sick. Okay okay I shouldn’t blame this ‘innocent’ place. I was sick since the day before. But that was NOT the rain’s fault. Rain is too innocent to cause sickness. So I self-diagnosed that pending notes and bulking workload are the main causes of my loss of appetite, indigestion,  lethargy, fever and lack of energy. Lack of energy will take the blame for my all-the-time sleepiness.

The poster competition is on for the past 2 weeks. But my group has just started to compile things two days ago. I’m very sure we’ll finish the work soon. How soon? Depends on our speed and resources. Been up in the cafe till 12 a.m. every night. Well, it’s not all new to me but staying up for group work is tiring. Ouch, my back aches! We still got few more things to go.

• Address pamphlets
• Pockets for the pamphlets
• Pics (my part)
  
• Info
• Flags
• The 3D stuff

Yesterday I got to know how Mr.Jerk got qualified as a jerk. We fought earlier and I spoke ill about him. Isn’t a noble thing to do yet that’s what normal people do when they’re pissed with someone. And I’m perfectly a normal person. I admitted to him about whatever I’ve spoken about him and all. C’mon that’s a noble thing alright. He asked for apology and I’ve given him that. He knew sorry is my weakness and took full advantage of it. But he spoke behind my back after we were friends again. I never even imagined he would do that. For all the while he’s been avoiding any conversation I thought I made a mistake or something. But actually he was nicely bad-mouthing me. God bless him. Bloody Betrayer. And he calls himself a noble person and claims my trust? Trust is like hymen, once penetrated forever penetrated.

I’m feeling lonely. I hope this is not the pre-being-home syndrome. I really don’t wish for a drama this time I’m back. Too many relatives around creates drama. Or at least it’s been that way with my family so far. Things seemed good till half an hour ago. Maybe my eyes are too tired and it makes my mind being tired as well. Normally tired minds wish to sleep. But mine shouts for attention. AND again more drama.

Daphne

is

sad

.

Rocky

finds

Daphne

boring

.

Daphne

walks

to

the

carrot

stacks

and

sits

there

alone

.

After so long abandoning Remaja, last week i got hold of a copy. I used to be dead crazy bout the magazine but after high school I just lost interest and moved to CLEO instead. This month’s edition had an interesting quiz in it. Which suits me accurately at time being. The result can be either one of below because not all questions were relevant to my situation. Plus it would be wiser to have two options of positive and negative so that I don’t go over confident, like how it always happens.

MASIH RAGU-RAGU

Hatinya masih ragu-ragu untuk katakan si dia mencintai kamu walaupun buat masa ini hanya kamu sahaja di hatinya. Pengalaman cintanya yang menyakitkan membuatkan si dia jadi takut untuk bercinta buat kali kedua dan lebih selesa untuk berkawan sahaja denganmu. Walaubagaimanapun usah bimbang, kamu masih ada harapan untuk memenangi hatinya dengan meneruskan sahaja sikap kamu selama ini. Percayalah, lama-kelamaan si dia pasti akan meluahkan juga perasaannya padamu. Namun satu yang perlu kamu ingat ialah si dia tidak suka kamu mendesak atau memaksanya membuat keputusan. Biarkan sahaja dia melakukannya dengan rela dan ikhlas.

TEMAN TAPI MESRA

Sudah terang bagaikan bersuluh, kamu hanya dianggap sebagai seorang sahabat ataupun lebih tepat lagi teman tapi mesra. Si dia menjadikan kamu tempatnya meluahkan segala masalah dan rasa selesa bersama kamu kerana sikap kamu yang tidak pernah mengharapkan apa-apa balasan di atas masa yang kamu luangkan untuknya mendengar setiap masalah yang ditanggungnya. Sebaiknya kamu jangan mengharapkan apa-apa daripada si dia terutamanya perhubungan lebih daripada seorang sahabat. Andai kamu tetap berharap dan si dia tahu ianya pasti akan lebih menyakitkan. Si dia akan rasa terhutang budi dengan kamu dan tidak sampai hati mengecewakan perasaan kamu. Lalu akan menerima kamu kerana terpaksa. Perhubungan atas dasar terpaksa atau simpati pasti tidak akan bertahan lama. Jadi teruskan sahaja persahabatan yang terjalin.

I’m like a lotus floating in between.

I’m blogging after some time. Something just stopped me from blogging right after few drastic events happened. Later I figured that it was my cereberum. I haven’t learned about it in detail yet so kindly please ignore any doubts about it. Now time for updates. I’ve learned that expelling is as important as making friends. Especially when you’re not treated the way you deserve to be. And basically when the relationship (it can be in any kind) gives you negative vibrations, all you gotta do is set things right by taking a break. The drawback in this is in the process of taking the break, many other things can be broken. Hearts for instance. Trust is another issue. Face can also be included. Or even heads. Since heart is the only easiest tool I can reach for, I’ve successfully broken both our hearts. It did hurta little for me in the beginning but after talking to Thivy and letting go some tears, I felt a lot better. Way better than before. But I’m sure his hurt even more. More than anything that I’ve done before. But something tells me that this is the better thing for both of us. If being friends do us more damage than good, it’s better to just leave things where they are. By walking off. Maybe one day I’ll be matured enough to look at him and say he was my closest mate yet we can’t be friends without trying to hurt each other as much as we can. And maybe that one day he would be patient enough to listen and finally understand solely what I’m trying to say without any biasness. I’m not waiting for the day but I hope the day would come in the end. At least before any one of our lives ends.

Next let’s talk about the main purpose my dad paid 23K to AIMST revenue account. First CA wasn’t that bad actually. But of course it would have been better if I was more prepared. The usual comment I give after each exam. Rat, when will you learn your lesson? Now, right after the first CA alright. God I’ve learned my lesson FINALLY and I promise will do more organized preparation for the upcoming CA’s and Finals so pleaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeee pass me in all papers. Especially that damned D paper. And oh ya also the P paper. And since you’re here why don’t also the A paper.

So after the CA, what are we suppose to have? Say it louder please. Oh ya holidays. You know the break that we students will be looking forward to right after exams. But hey we BDS students have too much of free slots so we don’t have any holidays. But hey we had the weekends all for ourselves. BIG DEAL. That’s what I thought till the Butterworth trip with the bunch of crazy people. What more can I say when I had tremendous amount of fun without looking at the time? We went without any specific plans. We only had the location and our main agenda in mind. Movie marathon, yeah! Hottie Craig. Witty Madagascar. Uncountable Pictures. Loud Painful Bumpy. Late Night Mamak. And the list stops. But the fun continued. So all in all thanks to each and every one who made the weekend such a memorable one. Hema.Jivan.Prashy.Ray.Shang.Rash.Nithya.Kalai.Sharlene.Shasha. Thanks a bunch guys! Heart heart heart u people =)

I’m in the state of confused now.So somebody please enlighten me. Is it wrong if we want to express dissatisfaction of certain close friend’s attitude? It may be his character but shouldn’t short temper be eliminated from all of us? So if your friend actually shows his tantrum to other friends and that action of his actually embarrasses others, what should you do as a friend?Just keep quiet because it doesn’t affect you (he didn’t show his tantrum to you after all) or be a good friend and advice him? Maybe I am not anywhere near Buddha to advice others about attitude but am I not a friend at least? I just don’t want him to lose his already few friends. How can he survive without even some patience? You may be smart to outsmart me with words of justification but every other people in this world want some niceness to be shown to them. You are perfectly alright to me. Even if you’re not to others but I can sense that you’re going out of your way to be nice to me. That’s soothing. Very very soothing and I deeply appreciate that. But I wish it’s in your basic character and you treat every others in that way. If you can actually have some trust in me that I won’t disappoint you, then you can do it to others too. How long are you going to live alone without mingling with anyone? How far can you really go without the company of others? We’re not all Robinson Crusoe’s, are we? So people tell me, am I being an idiot by telling my friend this? Or for wanting him to understand the importance of people in his life? Or should I just mind my own business by letting him be whatever that he wants to be? Or is it the way I told him? Maybe I was harsh myself. He being harsh to others doesn’t attain me the license to be harsh to him as well. So maybe I should apologize to him for being hell rude to him. But I wish so much that he will actually modify his way of viewing others as deceivers. There are so many people out there who are as sincere as Doraemon. If only he could see how much of confidence we actually get by being in certain people’s presence.

It’s 6th November and it’s my sayangfied brother’s birthday! And we spoke on the phone for the first time after years being brother-sister.  We kind of adopted each other after knowing a lot bout our pasts. I’m always amazed at my ability to accept new relationships in life. Even though there will be no promises that they’ll always be there. Most of them will be and few will dissapear due to time and pathways. I realized that not everyone is actually brave enough to cultivate relationships based on one-side trust alone. I’ve got friends who prefer to be alone so that they won’t be left alone by others. Some don’t trust others because few dissapointed them. However for me, I’ll always put in faith that people will treat you like how u treat them and how u make them feel. If u make them feel glad, they’ll definately be there for a long time. If u make them feel like crap, they’ll leave for sure. I for one will normally stick even though my closed ones treat me like crap at times. Cuz they mean alot to me. Few awkward selfish moments will not be equal to the amount of support they gave me before. And I can say this quality of mine landed me with lots of attachments which i admit demand loads from me. But then what is life without these lil sufferings?

As usual for each Deepavali watching those new released movies is something like ritual. This year with Lotus around, we Sitiawanese got 2 movies to watch. Aegan and Seval. Judging by the luxury look, we opted for Aegan first. Raju Sundaram proved how wrong we were to have such first impressions. Aegan - in one word, Disaster. Lucky me I didnt wait till i reach SP to watch this piece of crap. Inspired ( mugged) from Main Hoon Na, I simply can’t sit through the movie. Was it just me who lost my sense of humour? Cuz people around me were laughing for some so-called comedy scenes, but all I did was wondering how dumb can the characters be. Ajith was good looking as usual. Even when he’s on the heavier side, he still has his charm button on. Nayan was totally busted. If you get what I mean. She appeared vulgar rather than sexy. If she can’t wrap herself well in a saree, then please don’t bring disgrace to it at least. Navdeep needs a mentioning. Already he has the innocent charming boy look. Now with the curly hair and well built body, he’s got the boyish look. Pia was hell cute. I simply adored her hair. Messy messy messy. *ignoring what mom says*

Next venture : Seval. Which i actually enjoyed watching. I checked out few reviews and everyone stated it wasn’t a good Hari performance. But I enjoyed it more than Thamirabarani and even Vel. Those movies were more on the action side and had very few heart warming scenes. Where as Seval was a story between two lovers and how people around them became their obstacle. Well nothing new in the storyline since it became the core story for almost EVERY recent Tamil movies. But I liked the way Bharath actually wooed the girl, Poonam. Even though he fell for her almost at the first moment seeing her. But her reason for falling for him was way stronger than most of the female protagonists in recent movies. Him confessing by writing their names on a slide, her refusing by giving him a responsible task, him realizing she’s actually too good for him by others mentioning it and avoiding her, her starting to have a soft spot for him, him saving her (dramatic yet it blends well with the story), him admitting her dad’s offence (again dramatic yet who cares aite) and finally her confessing to him. It was more than just a boy-meets-girl love.

After watching so many movies with girls in skimpy clothes, Seval was so soothing with everyone in saree and half-saree. No unwanted item songs, no girls in transparent saree dancing in rain, no smooching scenes. However there were too much of crude words and violence. Well i’m no more a kid but i didn’t quite like it. Comedy scenes in Seval were way better than in Aegan. Although there were few off-track comedy scenes yet they’re excusable when Vadivelu actually helped in the flow of the story rather than just a laughing stock. Now songs. I liked almost all the songs. Yes they were kutthu songs. but hey the setting is in a village full with orthodox community in 1989 (!). So the theme kinda blended with the tone of the movie. Even though Simran’s character wasn’t anything meaty yet I loved watching her. She looks the best in saree cuz of her hip and height. Well in my humble opinion so. =)

bloggie,

The previous post was about putting it an end but at this moment i’ve realized i can’t. how long more to hold on to just memories? Someone please enlighten me. Or give me a reason to knock me back to reality. The more i try to forget, the more it sinks into my memories. I thought memories just linger but I never knew they can stay this strong. After talking to Sanjay and Thivy about our pasts, it’s like so fresh in my mind. Amazingly it can bring me smiles. I don’t feel bad or guilty or anything negative. But isn’t it unhealthy to keep on holding on when the right thing to do is move on?

“You know you still love him when memories continue lingering  around”

darling bloggie,

i’m back for good.. =)

since i started it here and spent most of the time talking bout it here..i think it’s the best to put it to an end here. i know the end is nowhere in sight. but at least i can convince myself i’ve taken my last dosage of ignorance. i’m aware that i’m not in the position to complain but i can feel bad anytime. cause i’m concern and you’re not. again i know i don’t have the rights to judge yet my humble statement is : i’m a normal human.

-not tired of being a well-wisher-

I felt like moving to a more personal blog. not that i wanna neglect u, bloggie. I will never. You’ve been my silent yet understanding companion for the past couple of years. I’l still come back to you every now and then.

http://www.rathinumberone.wordpress.com

Feel free to drop by! cheerz!

“ Ippadiye ipaddiye iranthuvida koodatha?                        Ippadiye kaalanggal urainthuvida kodatha? ”

[ Why can’t I just die at this second? Why can’t this moment just freeze? ]

I do wish some moments will just freeze. Time doesn’t have to move or creep, they just have to stand still. Those moments when I was happy internally and externally. Not just the normal crap I give about being happy. Even now I can feel the sensation of him against me. This can get too vulgar like my diary and people going to think this is a porn blog.

Sometimes when I see others being so much in love, I become curious whether I’ll get the same chance. They can wait for 3 years without losing the hope and confidence. They can be together for 6 years through thick and thin. They can be willing to give more than what they are going to gain. They can live based on possibilities. Yes or No. Not as simple as I’m typing. The disappointment they’re going to face is too high yet they still can hang on to faith and belief.

I tried imagining Rathi in that kind of situations and ended up with a big sigh. There used to be days I was craving for him, loved him more than anything else, wiling to go through thick and thin together, helped each other a lot and yes, he was giving more than gaining. Yet, it didnt turn out well eventually. Things were not like I’ve expected and I fell again.

How many times do I have to put in hope and got shattered? And each time I bent down to pick my pieces, there will be anyone around ready to walk over me. Of course there were helping hands too, I’m grateful for that but still it’s me who got hurt and I was the one had to help myself. I don’t open up to others not because I’m egoistic but each time I start putting my soul into someone, they’ll just disappear and make myself empty. Let them be friends, besties, boyfriends. Let it be anyone. I’ll start relying on them and they’ll just leave like I’m a nobody. So I got tired and bottle up everything to myself.

Now even if I want to be so involved, I can’t and I don’t think I’m going to try. That chapter of my life has ended and god knows when it will start again.

“Your presence gave me hope and strength; now that you’ve gone I’m empty inside and out”

The Raya holiday can’t start off any better. I had Maths class for an hour and Physics two hours class got cancelled. Mr. Uma is not feeling well. 4 days of break and not having to face Physics feels so nice! So i decided to skip English and just lepak in my room instead. Everyone is in holiday mood. Most of my friends are going back today itself. Sanjay,Bob,Thivi,Dhanny,Karo,Priya..Gosh,and me only tomoro. There is another 24 hours more to go. AArgh!

I just cant wait to meet my s’wan friends. We planned to meet up for lunch on Saturday. Hey,guys it’s already 10 months since we last met {most of them} and I’m just too excited! The next time i’m going back will be in November only. That will be another 10 days of own-declared-holiday.

Gotta be serious after this. Countdown starts : 44 more days for exam. And i’m here relaxing, watching movie and having fun. Rat,please be serious and get back to work.Even maths is in pending for quite some time now.

I’m missing my mom so much. I coudnt spend enough time with her the last time we met in SSu. All of us were too busy with the tiruvila till no time for ourselves. This time i’m back,i’m gona spend as much time as i can with her. S’wan, here I come! =)

My big big world. As how i love to call it. My lil world. As how Snjy loves to say it. Talking to him didnt make me change anything, he said he’ll make me change my mindsetting about certain things  but that’s just NOT me.

Snjy,if you’re reading this,please bear in mind that you’re also my good friend. As how i always say, my closest guy friend. And yeah, i simply love to talk to you. Not to burden you with my problems but to get the interesting feedback i get from you. The more you contract, the stronger i feel. so thanks for being there at the right moments and for the concern you have for me.

Today we went for CHENNAI 600028 in the Medical Faculty. Narresh, you didnt come oso. Shoot you! I am so so so glad that i did. i had 2 1/2 hours of good laughs.  Laughter is one my favourite sound, and being with a whole bunch of people who were laughing their way throughout the movie was awesome. This lifted my spirit again. Helps me to put away my unwanted fear. The movie was simply superb. I kept on forgetting that i’ve already watched the movie cuz i was so excited as if it’s the first time for me. All of us had a good time indeed. We were cheering and screaming as if the match was for real. Aww,i like the guy Nithin and Siva so much! *there goes*

Met Sheela for the first time today. Just for few while but was just nice for me to express my gratitude to her. Sheela,if you’re reading this,lemme tell u something.i can never express how much i’m grateful that you were there when i needed someone. i duno what made me open up to you[at least a lil] but somehow i was comfy talking to you. thanks to snjy for making us so connected even without meeting each other. I really hope you’ll get everything that u deserve in life. luv ya!

All in all, today wasnt an ordinary day. i had classes, Bio quiz and then the movie which was wow! and meeting Sheela,which was another Wow! I feel blessed cuz surrounded by people who care for me and thanking god for granting me such a wonderful world.

There is something in me saying My world again and again. for me, my world is just nice for me,let it be small big dumb illogical but i like it the way it is. i cant change myself into someone who i am not.if that is the way i think, that is the way. and if people want me to change into something who i’m not,then yes you gona face the world’s most pathetic hypocrite. but again, i do practice split personality in certain stuffs. like i said in earlier post,it does wonders you know?

SPOIL ALERT : This post is nothing but complaints and grumbles alone.

Paranoid is the only word i can use for myself now. Rat, the Paranoid. Rhymes. Pressure. That phone call. Becoming more like Mani’s movies eh? well,how else will i feel? laughing outside, but having this troublesome heart inside. i just cant sit alone anymore. there used to be times when i love being alone. that is when i get new ideas, get creative and produce better writings. it seems to be ages now. whenever i’m alone i’m thinking about the same thing. whenever i come online,i’m surfing sites regarding that. like i’m gona know 100% bout it. and the main lacking point is : it’s not proven YET. eeeiii!!! tomoro i have bio standardized quiz and i’m here blogging and surveying. I just cant concentrate. Rat,personal advice: PLEASE GET A LIFE! stop grumbling and get back to work!

P/s after typing this much,now i got the right word that makes me being paranoia  : NERVOUS

Bloggie,

here i am,after so long abandoned you.well,you know that i’m stucked in a place where there was no net connection and now when it has,i’m stranded without a lappie. life has been okay and below average. surprised eh? Miss Strongie talking (in this case typing) as an ordinary gurl.well, the world does turn upside-down. it wont be long before it turns to the right side again.

Certain things happened and i really don’t wish to repeat all over again. damage done. no turning back. I’m just gona accept that this kind of people do exist and nothing much i can do about it. Yeah,it did shake my confidence level abit(!) but what else can i do apart from taking it as a lesson and go on? there are people whom you can never dislike no matter what, and she’s definitely one of them. even after i’m leaving AIMST, it will be abit touchy for me. and bout leaving,yeah i’m kinda made up my mind.

What do i want in life? Honestly, I just dont know. just following the path in front of me cuz the path i’ve wanted is what i left quite far behind. i think so. or maybe there is still time to run back and catch up? okay lets leave that behind. bout leaving,yes.there is so much i want to see and do in life, but it seems like too little time. Why i’m saying this, I have my reasons. I want to leave mainly cuz I hope that gives everyone time and space. So that people whom I love so dearly will understand that I’m well capable of taking care of myself. I mean they don’t have to be over-protective. I know their intentions are noble but at times “good things are suffocating too”.

Now to the fun part of all, I got this crazy idea all of sudden. Okay, not exactly all of sudden, but it was popping into my mind several times today. Why don’t I just try? And I aint gona say it out,Yet. Let it be something true first. No more illusions, if I want to be someone I have to take actions. Split personality does work wonders you know?

Bloggie,

I’ve been home for the past few days. of course i feel relieved being back in my nest, comfortable and loving, but it leaves me longing. i wish i have 100 years of life. Just to enjoy my current life as much as i can. one my batchmate’s death makes me appreciate my own life even more than before. i do treasure people and my life alot since few of my past encounters.I’m just feeling like expressing my gratitude to God for giving me such a blessed life.

Family : Ram,you’ve granted me the best family ever.we do have few small flaws but i never view them as flaws.for me they’re the qualities that make us bonded even closer. with all the flaws,we still love each other selflessly. i can never ask for a better family since i have an open-minded dad, understanding mom, friendly brothers and sister, a mom-like aunt and dad-like uncle and my second home. even when i reborn,i want the same family members. they’re my Horcruxes and i can never lead a life without them. for them: I love you with all the four chambers of my heart.

Friends: Friends are people who we choose for ourselves. in that case i do have many good friends around me. maybe it’s my friendliness but it’s also because of them i’m still having them by my side. ASH : you’re my bestie and u now that.all that we’ve gone tru together will never be fotgotten by me.all those sweet memories when you were still in sitiawan. hanging out together during class times, eyeing guys, discussing the way to make ourselves noticeable, bit*hing bout her, having things coming our way, laughing our as* off, skipping tuition classes, attending those nites of our school, lending each other shoulders when we needed one.I love you too much! =) DEVAKI:we know how much of fights our friendship has gone through yet we did manage and here we stand as the best of friends. now anytime we have something in mind,we know whom to call. it’s so nice to be on the bike with you.u gave the believe that i have someone there for me.. YUSHA: i know things were abit haywire between us.i also feel that i’m partially at fault. but i duwan to indulge in past but to look forward. i am looking forward to make it up with you and start it all over again. we still care for each other, i know that.and our memories togetha are still with me foreva!=) SANJAY: something tells me that you’re reading this now. instinct eh? you may never know that your presence gives me strength. a thought that there’s a good friend being caring for me all the time in AIMST of course gives me extra willpower to give it a go. and i just wan you to know that i am always there for you too. =) SHA: my God-Sis,i love too much to let u go too.i appreciate those times you took to be with me when i was happy and sad. i seldom open up,but i did to you.cuz i know you’re understanding and matured when it comes to solving problems.

FALKO: you deserve a special mention for all the things you’v done for me and for the worse way i cud repay you. you gave me care,i gave you sorrow; you gave me smiles, i gave you tears; you gave me love, i gave you heartache; you gave me hope, i shattered yours; you gave me shoulder to lean on,i backed off when i shouldn’t have; you lifted me up whenever i felt down, but what i gave u was complete heartache. I know i was really unfair to you. all those promises which i really meant earlier became mere words cuz i didnt keep them till the end. but all that you gave me after all these chaos are prayers. prayers so that i’ll be fine. i can never repay you for those fun-loving moments we’ve shared together. cant even say sorry cuz you definitely deserve much more than that. -.-

~ Rat ~

bloggie,

the shield around me has weakened slightly, i guess. maybe i trusted people too much. people whom i hardly know. like dad always says, take time to analyse people. but i didnt. too busy collecting the stones, luckily i didnt drop any diamonds yet. my diamonds are too precious to be lost.

past memories are being replayed in my mind. how many people are there to repeat the same things again and again? or is it only for me? *rat,stop sounding like a pathetic* naah,i’m sure something has gone wrong somewhere. Ram will never let me down,i’m very sure of it. karma,yea. it lets me down most of the times. but this time,Mr.Karma u didnt affect me much. cuz i’m in a process of building up myself. mischelenous scraps like this are better be ignored.

Rat,
if you’re still in your state of mind,please go and read back the letters you wrote for yourself.current and past are there clearly,u negelected it for some time cuz of trust.now take your own time and see into things.

————————————————————————————————

I finished reading Deathly Hallows. the story was dark! i can never stop admiring rowling for what she had given us.she is one of my inspiration when it comes to writing. now,i’m going to miss harry potter. the series has come to an end and there will be no more waiting for another book. i’m intrigued to have another book coming. i wish so damn much that wizarding world do exist and i’m a part of it. it seems so challenging and fun at the same time.

deathly hallows concentrated mainly on defeating voldy. the trios went to search for the horcruxes and destroy them. they found out that the horcuxes are : gaunt’s ring, riddle’s diary, R.A.B.’s locket, hufflepuff’s cup, ravenclaw’s diadem, nagini the snake and without them knowing, harry the 7th horcrux. Snape became hogwart’s new headmaster and continued supporting voldy. but as i expected from the beginning, snape is actually on dumbledore’s side. no matter what,i trust in whoever dumbledore has trust on. the truth was revealed that snape,once upon a time and till now loved Lily.since they were kids and till she got married to James.the reason he’s with dumbledore is because he wanted to rescue Lily from voldy and when he couldnt, he had to protect harry.

there were many deaths in this final chapter. it’s just too touching when dobby,the house elf died in the process of saving harry and co from malfoy and lestrange. harry proved himself a genuine by digging a grave for dobby manually and even craved a tombstone for him. apart from them, lupin and tonks who are married and had a child,teddy died too. harry became godfather for ted. another most interesting person who died was fred. he’s always been my favourites and now he’s gone.

what are deathly hallows?i need to read the book again to understand fully about them.same like horcruxes;i understood what are they and their purpose after readin HBP for the second time. the basic thing in deathly hallows is three magical objects; the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak. whoever posseses these three will become the master of death.the person can bring people from death back to life.harry didnt bother to posses death so he didnt bother bout losing the ring (which has the stone),placed back the Wand where it was after mending his phoenix wand and decided to keep only the Cloak.

again in this book,harry had grown into a young adult who is courageous. there are many differences from the 11 year harry and 17 year harry.that is the creativity of rowling to mould a character according to their age and experiences. the book ended with skipping 19 years and after the 19 years (harry is 36) ,we see people sending their children to hogwarts by the hogwarts express. Harry married to Ginny (aww!), has 3 kids : James,Albus SEVERUS and Lily. Ron married to Hermione (another aww!) have many kids(i forgot to count) : hugo,rose,etc etc etc.i think victorie is bill’s daughter who is currently dating Teddy Lupin. things have been good for 19 years and harry’s scar had never prickled ever again.

hey bloggie,

it has been very very long ago since i’ve added a post.it’s not that i’ve stopped writing,which is one of my passions,but i just turned my attention to my Secreto. there have been many changes in my life throughout 2007. 206 gave me unforgetable memories and closed the curtain with another grief. gotta make one of the hardest decisions in my life. but being rathi,i did manage to go through everything quite brilliantly. i let go half of my long time planning of entering college and went to AIMST instead. Again my parents proved that they know the best, cuz after joining,i’m grateful that i didnt make the wrong choice.

If any wrong one,that would be me. for trusting. of course dumbledore says, trust with open heart and you’ll gain what you want. okay,i didnt open my heart entirely, i will never do that,not to anyone but GOD alone. but does it matter? i hope i learnt a lesson and go with my brain again. never let heart to become the master, for it will try to possess everything. being possessed and rely on others for my happiness? naah,that’s so not Rathi.no matter what people say,i am me.yes,i am arrogant, slefish,egoistic,dominant,argumentative,so what?it’s my life,you’re just living in it. (not referring to anyone,just felt like shouting to the whole world to stop asking me to change).i hate changes. but i love to ponder bout changes that i’ve been through.to the better,to the best.

i live with a circle around me and the only point that will be forever there unchangingly is my family. i know wherever i am ,whatever i become,they are the one cheering, praying,guiding,grieving,lifting me up and loving me dearly without any expectations..like how i am loving them with all the four chambers of my heart.

Do i sound so depressed?i think i do,but actually to be honest i don’t.i feel disturbed a bit,just few pinches,but i’m perfectly alright.i’ve been even more disturbed than this. not this time. cuz i saw it coming all the way long. i don’t know,sometimes it’s creepy to say that my instincts tell me things. but in another way,it keeps me prepared. most of the times,visions of whats gona happen will come and go. it wont happen exactly the same(or else i must be well married to Pritvi..aww!) but it will somehow resemble it. so call me a psychic?no,call me a witch instead.i would love to own a wand and cast spells.or well of indulge in writing.

Holidays going to end.break gona break. and another 4 more months,which means school holidays,which means hinny will be free,which means i cant go on vacation, which means i might be not attending my family gathering.gosh!growing up in so troublesome.keep them close, keep them far. who are they?for me to know.

p/s i know it’s a blo0dy long post but who cares,it’s my blog after all,i have the rights to say anything that matters me as long as i don’t offend anyone.(if i did, like i’m going to care)

love always,~phenolph~

~It ties us together even though we’re not siblings. It gives some kind of strength when we stand and stay together. We remain close despite the distance and we know we love each other even we don’t say it out loud. At least his actions show that he loves me and care for me more than anything else. Being born as an only child was not my desire but I optimistically accept it. And having someone like him as a sibling is far more convincing than having a bunch of own siblings who sometimes can be hyper annoying.~

* I have words of promises and they were sweet for you. Even though i mean each and every word i told you, yet I can carry on with my life leaving you out of my system. I have this split-personality stuff,it’s change-able accordingly. That’s the thing in being an optimist. So PLEASE for god sake,accept the reality and move on. We can continue loving each other by having us in our hearts. But life cycle doesn’t just stop there. *

# Friendship is the only bond that we choose ourselves and only those who are really compatible can stick together for a long period. I came across many many people and my loved ones list is growing. Nobody tops anyone but the care they have for me and vise versa is priceless. Ash,your presence values more than million trillion zillion bucks. And you know that.#

People say you’ll realize the value of something when it’s no more within your reaching level.Yeah,i do agree with it 200%.No matter how much happiness i get by doing something,i’ll lose them in a second if i get no attention from my family.They’re as important as my life to me.Being shunned away like that was so depressing and being treated as usual is so relieving.It’s not worth to lose it anymore.I’m letting go of my another part in return to pursue a good relationship within my family.

Moms understands us the best,people say.I doubt so.At least times,they understand others’ feelings more than ours,even though we’re in the same situations.And it hell hurts when they say we’re pretending to grab attention.we don’t have to when we’re really depressed.And we feel down to be pushed even down but we long for any hands that will lift us up.In that case,i had few other hands which really helped me to gather myself.Arshia was the main hand and i appreciate her so much.She was there all the times i needed her and i’m so sorry that her situation turned out to be alike mine.Sugi,even though wasn’t her that time but her presence later make her special and loved always.Not to mention,i had a few people whom i can really talk openly and they are pretty good listeners.

*BEING CARED IS THE SWEETEST THING IN THE WORLD*

me being paranoid?i guess so.even i’m not,he makes me so.guys are always guys. friend,boy friend,ex-guy,BROTHER..everybody.they just think about themselves. shunning others from their current life seems to be the only solution.hello,that’s called running away from the problems,turning your back to the world,closing your eyes from the reality.now that’s a real man,you think?i just feel like telling this straight to his face.that he doesnt need to tolerate in seeing my face anymore if he don’t want to.and i can keep out from his house.he doesnt have to be hypocrite cause i loathe them.i,seriously do not wish to loathe you.

26/12/2006

The day i can never forget.I’m not intended to elaborate anything here.Cause i’m saving whatever had happened in my mind.Only GOD knows how i felt during each moment and how much would i sacrifice and give up just for the seconds to freeze.To the person concerned : I simply loved the moment!

27/12/2006         4.00 a.m.

Another day i will never forget and will never exchange it with anyone or anything. Finally I am in …. haha..start crapping..but seriously this is NOT a crap..anyone says this is a total Crap,u guys gona b screwed up..hey,i’ve oredi stayed for 14 days in ssu..FalKo,i oredi followed what u said..so next time dun keep on merajuk k..i wont pujuk u redi after this..hik3..

28/12/2006

i bought The Marriage Market by Nisha Minhas..yeah!!plus with The Da Vinci Code.. so altogether i have 6 bukz to finish up..wow..dt will make my 3 mths..

Bloggie,
       It’s been a long time since i blogged in u last..was bz with spm and now it’s over and busy thinking bout HiM.I never imagined i’ll be this desperate again in my life.. it’s even more this time..whatever i do,whatever i think,YOU’re in me..
       I’m terribly frustrated..been waiting for d whole day and the gap about 10 metres became the barrier..Time n Fate is playing miserable games..Why can’t things just normal?
       Call me any name;desperate?sick?grumbler? But i truly need YoU by my side now n forever.I’ve told YoU this straight yet again saying it now..=(

"Let The Wind Bring My Passion To YoU"

–Lonely Soul–

bloggie,
19/10/06 - my deepavali started two days earlier. kumalatha had an open house today. i was the only ACSian who got invited. the function was AMAZING! i never expected things will be as enjoyable as this. food was good. her parents were so warm. her house was so organized. our frenz were fun as well. and the most interesting part was the dancing time. we galz were sort of shy to start it off. sharas,the underdog usually started and that’s it. nothing stopped us after that. we danced n danced n danced like mad. sham was teribbly amazing. hrithik oh hrithik. i had my moments of life there. this is what we call i real party. spm is out the window now. a total 7 dayz of enjoyment.

21/10/06 - now its oredi deepavali..happy diwali!! we’ll be moving to kampar at 4 pm plus. then back to mjg on sunday and attend deepa’s party at nite. monday lunch in kfc,dev’s bday. monday nite mite b in shangari’s house. then tuesday noon moving to batu gajah. malar’s engagement. yay! will be back on thursday..yippee!! that’s my plan..i tink this will be the busiest deepavali.

hey,godfather is releasing today..but u cant watch it,Rat..clar maybe on monday nite if not going to shan’s place..happy deepavali!

Bloggie,

    It has been such
a long time I didn’t blog. I was busy with trials and now with Deepavali
preparations. Today I’m in a condition where I can’t define my own feelings. I
feel neutral and upset at the same time. We had a small talk today, we called
it Open Talk. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m uncertain about which person
to trust.

 One difference
from other situations, friendship is NOT at stake here. Nobody quarreled. No
hard feelings. No misunderstandings. I’m well with my own motto of life: “I
know bout myself better than anyone else.” So why bother other people? Myself
is important all the time. Honestly and seriously.

 You believe me,
that’s the sign of our friendship. You don’t, it doesn’t affect me much. I’m
just the same as ever. –> To people who concern.

Bloggie,

     I’m so happy.
Kavery aunty n Prem came down on Tuesday. Meeting them after 2 years. Mom was
terribly happy in meeting her bestie after so long. They’ve been friends since
their college days. I wish they still live here. For me, I met my childhood
friend after so long. Even though we did meet last 2 years but we didn’t really
talk much so it’s considered we’re meeting after 8 years. Wow!

     All of my
childhood friends are lost in my time journey. It would be great if I get the
chance of meeting them again. So it’s kind of exciting to see Prem again. I
wish I could meet Sumitha and Reena again. Erm.

    As usual,
grumbling time. Left 10 more days for my trials. God gracious, I don’t know
what else to say. I can’t think much to write also nowadays. Too pressured by
these stuffs. Hope I don’t burst!

Complaining time:

      What a sarcastic
lady. She sits under my parents’ roof and bad-mouth their only daughter. My
goodness. Give me oxygen. I admit she’s a teacher but I didn’t comment anything
bout her teaching. I was just telling the reason for skipping school. And she
was so damn sarcastic for that. What does she care about the amount of freedom
my parents give me? c’mon, I’m cool with my parents. Unlike her daughter with
her. well, I don’t know much about her because she didn’t give us chances to do
so.

 My parents were
good to her so she blabbered whatever she thought is it? If I were given
chance, I would just tell her straight to mind her own business. “It’s none of
your f*cking business to put your overly grown nose into matters that don’t
need your concern.” And how many times did she entered medical universities and
sat in the medical faculties to condemn medical profession. Just because I have
interest in it. Oh, get a life, will you?

**Just wait till u get back whatever you said. Karma is
unfixable in your life because there are too many wrong-modes. SHOOT YOU!!

Bloggie,

      Just a few
seconds before I was reading an article in RD. It was about a couple who
brought up a baby chimp called Sophie. The story was so touching and brought me
to tears. Yea, I am emotional at times. Actually most of the times. The article
made me think of Dobby. The couple, Audrey and Vince are humans and Sophie is a
chimp. Yet they are so attached as if there is no barrier for them.
 Anyway, there is no barrier for love
right. It may be any kind of love, but I would still say love between two different
species is the best among all. It is because there are so many differences but
you still can go along and love each other. How beautiful is the relationship
between a pet and its owner. I always find pets are wonderful and the owners
are amazing. They can understand each other so well.

 Only fate and
time can separate them. Once a doggie loves you, it will always love you no
matter what. It won’t say ‘I hate you’; ‘we’re not made for each other’ or
‘let’s put a stop for this.’ Cause the only thing they know is love and faith.
They only expect one thing in return: affection. In that case, I just love
Dobby. I’m sure I’ve wasted my 16 years without adopting a doggie like him. And
I would have wasted my entire life if I never got him by now.

    To those who don’t have a pet, just adopt a pet and feel the
passion. Any animal would do but remember to cherish it with love and
affection. It needs more love than food, just like us, humans.

Bloggie,

 Dad sent Suja to
KUTPM yesterday. Livin will be going to UniTar this week. Many of my other
cousins are studying in universities, colleges and even some went abroad. Gives
me some kind of energetic spirit. Everyone is heading towards their goal. When
I was small, I used to envy those who made it through higher education. I even
wondered am I smart enough to be like them. Even now I have the slight feeling.
I know this is the right time to make things right. Be more serious, less
involvement with Friends, be more punctual, fantasy less, sleep less, reduce
entertainment and indulge myself into books. Mom says so, and I think it’s
better to obey her.

 How come life is
sometimes so cruel? Suddenly it’s like I lost trust in everyone. They all
turned their back to me. Betrayed? I don’t know. Maybe it’s too much to address
them like that. Hypocrites? What else do you call people who come to you when
they need your help and just neglect you when there’s something benefits you
comes along? I don’t think I made any sense here. It’s okay. I’m prepared. I’ve
expected something like this anyway.

Di Antara Empat Dinding.

      Putri is brought
into a police cell. There she meets Zie, Ling, Sarah and Zie’s another friend.
They asked Putri how she ended up there. That noon Marwan met Putri in her
college and asked a lift to the Immigration Office. She agreed since he said
her mom knows about this. He then called Aina (Putri’s mom) and demands
RM100,000.00 or else he would harm her. Putri who isn’t aware of this follows
Marwan and listens to his college stories. Marwan finally told her that he is
her biological dad and her mom was pregnant even before marrying her dad. It
was when officers from JAWI came and charged them under ‘khalwat’ and brought
to the police station.

      Whereas the other girls were caught by the cops when
they were interviewing a prostitute in a night club. Police investigated and
released the girls. Eddy came to rescue Putri while Reza and Shasha came for
the other girls. There was a pint silent when Eddy and Reza faced each other.

      This week’s story
was more to serious and has loads of dialogues rather than actions.

Bloggie,

    Yesterday was
librarians’ AGM. Teacher was very unfair. Most of the board members are form 3
students. We didn’t get the chance to vote. She nominated and she herself
chose. Then what for the AGM? Just to inform us? No one single Malay also. And 2
Indians only I think. Others all Chinese. I’m not being racist here, but the
issue still comes out when she alone chooses the board members. Looks like
seniors don’t have speaking rights here. And she teaches about keadilan and
stuff?

     Hey, today’s PE was
so much fun. We played all the small kids games. I think we played almost 7-8
games. Aci kejar, anak ayam and musang, anak kambing and musang, aeiou, ice and
fire, ao ping pong piang, Simon says, bola beracun, mute chi ku pak, monkey,
and so-called netball game. Hey that makes 11 games. Cool. Well, it doesn’t
hurt to change into kids once in a while, does it? It was so enjoyable to run
about like a bunch of grown-up kids. At least next week I wish we could play
sofball game.

     I went to the
cinema today wit mom and dad to watch Imsai Arasan 23am Pulikesi. My god, it
was so damn funny. Was laughing all the way. Kuma and Jaya said they didn’t
understand much because they used the proper Tamil. I mean royal Tamil
language. Too bad Kuma, I did understand it very clearly. I can even narrate to
you. Told you so, aatha. 

Diari Seorang Lelaki. That’s the
title for this week G&g. Suitable with the title, this week’s episode is
totally about guys and their problems. So that means nobody can complain that
Rafidah only concentrates on conflicts faced by girls. Even Putri got very
little to do this week.

Episode starts off with Reza
dreaming him and Putri together. Later on, Eddy was dreaming him surrounded by
Putri, Shasha and their friends. This was funny but the next one, Haikal’s is
touching though. He was raped by his uncle when he was very young. And it
became a trauma for him. As soon as he woke up, he blogged about his frigging
dream.

Shasha read the blog not knowing it
belongs to Haikal. They chatted together without knowing their real identities.
Finally when she knows its Haikal, she was shocked and admitted he is a jerk in
real but a better person when comes to his blog. Haikal made her sleep and took
her to his friends. Their original plan was to capture her naked pictures. But
Haikal couldn’t do it because he loves her. This is new.

Reza went to his kampong. He met
Ikan there. Ikan introduced his soon-to-be wife to Reza. After a few days, they
got to know she was playing around. This made Ikan depressed and took drugs.
Luckily Reza was there to save him and promises to bring Ikan to KL with him.
He’s really fed up with women.

Eddy came back to KL because his
dad married a third wife and his mom couldn’t cope with it. His mom decided to
ask for divorce from his dad. He and Putri hang out together with the say that
he’s still single. But he has someone called Hannah in

Australia

.
Putri isn’t aware of this. And I hope she doesn’t pursue any feelings for him
since it will be left unappreciated.

In conclusion, guys too have
conflicts. They seem to be strong physically but mentally they are not. In a
relationship or not, we all still have many problems. We have to overcome them
ourselves, nobody else will.